How to Give a Pill to a Cat
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly
with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler
and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force
cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 litre of
water down throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
- This piece was originally written by Bob Story for the Laguna Beach, Calif., Coastline NEWS.